Taking Care of Mrs. Carroll Read online

  To Roger

  Liking that world where

  The children eat, and grow giant and good,

  I swear as I've often sworn: ''I'll never forget

  What it's like, when I've grown up."

  RANDALL JARRELL

  "The Lost World"

  WHEN MRS. CARROLL DIED, at seven-thirty, my friend David was lying naked in the tower bedroom, watching the gardener put on his shirt. He nearly said something flattering about the boy's tan, as if it might stop him from getting dressed again so fast. David could lie there until dark, he thought, and watch the muscles play on the gardener's back, while Mrs. Carroll, wild for her nightly egg, went slowly mad with hunger. But he bit his tongue and didn't say it, having thought better of getting too personal with the gardener days before.

  "John," he said, because he thought he ought to say something, "why don't you take the morning off tomorrow?"

  The gardener turned and faced him as he rolled up the sleeves of his work shirt.

  "Why?"

  "Because you've stayed so late. It must be after seven."

  "Are you my boss?"

  "Well, no," David said, sorry he'd gotten started in this.

  "So don't tell me when to work. I finish up at five. What I do after that is my own business."

  And he sauntered out of the room, making so much racket as he thumped down the stairs in his gardener's boots that David decided he must have stirred Mrs. Carroll out of her nap and started her hungering. David propped himself up on his elbows. From where he lay, he could look out the tower windows in every direction. To the east, the marshes, the beach, the sea, and then Africa (though Mrs. Carroll's property presumably stopped somewhere as well, at one edge or another). To the west, Mrs. Carroll's forest, a range of wooded hills, on the lowland verge of which was throned the house, close on the marsh and the dunes. The woods went west for a couple of miles, darkening and thickening, until they seized at the borders of Mrs. Carroll's dairy farm. The cows that trooped and huddled there did not seem to know that the sea was so near. Nor did the milkmen, who drove out to the farm every day from as far away as Boston and suited up in white duds and drove off in white trucks. The sea was a secret in Mrs. Carroll's domain.

  But the view, it seemed, had lost its shine. Though at last he was not horny, David was cruelly bored. He had been with Mrs. Carroll since the beginning of May, and it had taken him the five weeks since then to defuse the nervous collapse he had been convinced he was coming down with. He had stayed busy from the moment he arrived, finding a hundred things to do around the house. Mrs. Carroll, it appeared from the beginning, would not require half enough of his time. So he polished the dullest silver and rearranged the Fitzhugh cups and Rose Medallion bowls in the china closet. He alphabetized the north wall of the library. With two quarts of lemon oil, he polished the bowling alley on the upper floor of the carriagehouse. But it was inescapable, he thought as he got dressed himself. He was bored, and, what was worse, he had just bedded the only available man in the county, only to discover it wasn't going to be a regular thing. The dark and sullen gardener was a wonder in bed, but David knew from the pressure of his hands and the pace of his coming that he wasn't on the lookout for something steady. And David always was.

  I don't remember how it came about that David told me all of this. Because of Mrs. Carroll's dying when she did, because we all got so caught up in it, I never gave a thought about what David must have felt before. It happened that Mrs. Carroll's death set the summer in motion. When David told me the story of the gardener, all I could think of was Mrs. Carroll herself, still lost in reverie in her overstuffed bedroom, still at the center.

  "They never fall in love," I said to David about the boy. "They're in love with their roses."

  "Do you think so, Rick?" David said. "I just decided he wasn't gay."

  "If he wasn't gay, why did he go to bed with you?"

  "I don't know. Maybe to make sure he was straight."

  I looked at David then and found I was frantic to be thirty again—was anyone ever so young?—and I didn't like to envy him. It must have been after the first of July, because he reached over and undid a button on my shirt. We were on the grass, and there was a row of tangerine poppies, open wide, all around the sundial. It was the poppies, in fact, that brought the gardener up.

  "He's a kid," David said, finishing the gardener off. The gardener was twenty-six or twenty-eight, so that in one way it didn't make any sense. But David felt a good deal older because he thought he was so wise. He thought so because he had slept around a lot.

  But to go back to the night the summer began in earnest: David came down the tower stairs two at a time, calling out as he passed her door on the second floor, "I'll be there in a minute, Mrs. Carroll." In the kitchen he had to turn the lights on, and he guessed it was later than he thought. He was glad the daylight lingered high up in the tower. He had already set out the linen and the heavy service on the bed tray. From the refrigerator he took a tomato he had stuffed with chicken salad and laid it on a bed of lettuce. A sliced egg. A glass of Pinot Chardonnay. A finger bowl. Mrs. Carroll was not given to toast and tea. At eighty-two, she was down to one glass of wine a day and a single cigarette, but she enjoyed them extravagantly. Even David, who had never smoked, would take a Gitane when she offered him one. And they would sit there in the smoke and get stoned as the night fell.

  Properly decked out, the tray weighed about fifteen pounds. David staggered across the kitchen and through the swing door, reeling under the weight of it. Damn the gardener, he thought. David had been slow and subtle about seducing him, arranging to bump into him when they came around corners, setting up a chance to talk in the potting shed, say, or out by the hedges. David loved the courting dance. He spaced the ceremony out over several days, so that he watched it happen when it dawned on the gardener what David was getting at. David was ready at just that stroke of the late afternoon to drop to his knees and undo the gardener's pants. And so they went on up to the tower. Now David thought he would have made a pass the very first day if he had known they would stop at two hours' coupling.

  Not that David had wanted anything permanent, he was quick to assure me. He was afraid he didn't have the strength to get serious. Or he didn't believe in it anymore. Like all fanatics and the more professional lovers, David was always changing and refining his beliefs. He suffered as well from sudden conversions.

  "And it wasn't just him," David said. "He reminded me of someone I always thought I should have slept with."

  "Go ahead," I said, though I was tensed to hear only one thing now, what it must have been like to come upon the dead woman with no warning. But everything about David entails a story, and he seemed to feel that he couldn't get to the body in the four-poster before he had gotten it exactly right about the gardener. David always tells too much of a story. It is as if the accretion of detail itself will settle the problem of motive. He likes to feel that he is held in the grip of his life, and not the other way around.

  The gardener, John, reminded David of a brief and long-gone man he had never gone far enough with—the elevator operator in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on the six-to-two shift. David used to stare at him from behind as they went up and down eight floors. David had gotten himself entangled with a television writer who had lived on the eighth floor since 1961, who looked like he had never left his room in all that time and who said he lived in New York, whether anyone asked or not. David hung around for about three weeks, and he would size up this lean and smoky elevator type on his way down to the lobby for cigarettes. He would lean against something or other, a stucco palm, and light a cigarette and stare at the man as he stood at ease, waiting for a fare. In his brown
and orange, lightly braided uniform, he looked half like an organ-grinder's monkey and half like a colonel in a banana republic.

  This had gone on for days and days, and David was fairly sure that the elevator man had lost his heart to him; but he didn't know what to suggest. This was not like a taxicab, after all, which you could pull in under a viaduct for ten or fifteen minutes in the backseat, the meter still running. The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel would miss an elevator that took a fifteen-minute break. And yet that is what the elevator man must have been suggesting. It was a Tuesday night, about eleven o'clock, and David had been walking in the Hollywood hills with his hands in his pockets, feeling the weight of the fifties he thought he would never shake. He gave the colonel a surly look as he got into the elevator.

  "Eight," he said, for about the thousandth time.

  They started up. David slouched at the back of the car. After three or four floors or so, the elevator man flexed his shoulders against his monkey jacket and turned around. Staring back at David for the first time, he reached up and flicked the STOP switch. It was just the two of them now. He unzipped his fly and reached into his pants while David waited politely, settling in for a mad heat, his eyes narrowing. And then out of the uniform came this tiny button of a cock, about the size of the first joint of David's thumb. The elevator man grinned and kind of held it out, although of course it wouldn't come out very far and was as soft as a gumdrop. David shook his head no and stared as well as he could into the middle distance while the elevator man got dressed and got them going again.

  He felt terrible. He knew he would have jumped at it if it had been as big as the uniform and the punky style had led him to believe. He didn't like to lead people on and then not deliver, and he thought he should try to say something nice so as to end things nicely. Except not too nice, or else he would be leading him on again. And here they were, at the eighth floor already. David passed out of the elevator and turned.

  "I've thought who it is you remind me of." He paused for effect, but there was no effect. "Cornel Wilde. It's been at the tip of my tongue ever since I saw you."

  Nothing happened. The doors closed on the elevator man staring into the middle distance, and the elevator started down. David stood in the eighth-floor hall, wondering where it had all gone wrong. He wondered still, lying in a damp swirl of summer sheets in the tower bedroom. Perhaps, he thought now, he had made the mistake of thinking that every faggot in LA wanted to know who he looked like. Perhaps he had just said the wrong name. The gardener certainly didn't look a bit like Cornel Wilde. He was, however, just the right size.

  So, in a sense, it had taken him years to go to bed with the gardener, but it didn't feel as if he'd tied the past up after all. If the gardener looked like the elevator man, it was only a trick that the past played on the present, to prove to him he shouldn't make love to men who were merely beautiful. He wondered why he was so depressed. He paused for a moment on the landing, propped the tray on the banister, and stared out the great hall window at the stone pool in the rose garden. As time went on, he thought, he was coming to feel that the past he had accumulated was a set of evasions. Even today he was thoughtless and young, wishing the gardener had loved him back. And he was doomed to feel, day after day, that today he was better and wiser, when it only turned out to be time for the next wrong move.

  Oh, he thought as he heaved the tray up again, I should never get laid at dusk. I never get weepy late at night. I just turn over and go to sleep.

  Expertly, he turned the doorknob and swept into Mrs. Carroll's bedroom. What always touched him about her at the dinner hour was her lady's disdain for the appearance of hunger. She greeted her dinner as a diverting surprise, as if the time had flown by since lunch and here she was, only half done with her letters. And she was very positive about David's hit-or-miss cooking. "Why, it looks a little bit like what cowboys eat," she said to him once as she peered at her stew, but she said it delightedly. And suddenly all that ended. He knew she was dead, the minute he saw her. He was that accustomed to her neatness and good cheer, and she looked as if someone had thrown her across the bed. It didn't occur to him that she might be sick or asleep. Even in pain or sleep she would have arranged herself just so. She hadn't had anything to say about this.

  She lay on her side, bone white, across the big bed, her arms outstretched among the books and papers she kept in piles on the port side of her mattress. Her little office, she called it. In the first moment, he learned everything he didn't know before about the fact of death. There was the pallor of the skin and the surrender of the muscles in the face. But David did not feel as frightened or as alien as he might have. She must have been reaching for something, he remembered thinking, when it happened. Or she had been reaching for something because it was happening. It had not taken long, he suspected, though that meant nothing next to how lonely it must have been.

  How lonely it was, he thought. He carried the tray on over to the table and chaise in the bay window and set it down. He sat and absently began to eat, all the while glancing out the window at the last of the light and the gray water. He wasn't especially hungry, and he had enough sense of occasion to know that eating was fearfully out of place here. But he needed to feel the thin rim of the wine glass between his teeth, to sink the heavy fork into the tomato, brush the corners of his mouth with a damask napkin. It was weird to eat with the dead so near, so he made up for it by eating politely. If he was acting like the servant girl on the lady's day out, sneaking her lunch into the dining room to eat it with class, it was because the comforts of a fancy, high-born dinner were very real just then. Everything on that tray was substantial. It was ballast.

  "Didn't you think you should do something?" I asked him.

  "No," David said, a little too quickly, as if he had been expecting the question. "You see, I was so sure that something would be done. If I waited long enough."

  I was furious at him all over again because he hadn't changed at all. He owed something to the occasion, more perhaps than he owed to Mrs. Carroll, who was past expecting much well before she died. But I didn't say anything. If I told David what I really thought, that he was a bastard and a coward, he would have shut up. So I shut up, since I had to know the story.

  He sat there in the bay window, he said, wondering what he was going to do. The question turned over and over in his mind all the time he was in the room. When he had played with his supper enough and finally had the presence of mind to listen to the question, he realized he meant what was he going to do about him, not about her. He switched on the reading lamp next to the chaise, and the ocean and the wide sky diminished as the light made shallow the space beyond the bay window. Phidias would know what to do. But he didn't make a move to call him. He had to decide first what he was going to do, before the chain of events that would attend Mrs. Carroll's passage into the earth took over. She was dead, after all, and it would only be a minute more.

  He lay back on the chaise, cradling the glass of wine, and reached over and took a Gitane from the cigarette box on the windowsill. The only way he knew how to do it was to go through the story, starting at the beginning. He lit the cigarette. The story would tell him what to do. After all, the story had gotten him here. He had landed in Boston during the last week in April, in a snowstorm. He had been away five years, the last two in Miami, and he was so undone by the sudden end of him and Neil Macdonald that he instinctively fled to Boston, as if he were creeping home. Leaving Boston had been his watershed move, and yet he always swore he only left because of the weather. That is what he said in the beachy watering holes he landed in during those five years. Winter in Boston was ten months long, he would say, and spring and fall were parlor tricks. But when Neil threw him over for a toothy Cuban tennis pro, the white, whining Florida heat began to make him throw up. He took to going out only at dusk. Boston, with its tulip trees and fruit blooms aching for the first warm day, promised to be sober and pure. Better to weep for his lost youth, he thought, than for t
he likes of Neil Macdonald.

  His real mistake was thinking his life was a story. When he told me about him and Neil or him and the gardener, he introduced them as the supporting cast in an ongoing drama, like a TV series with guest stars. One of David's stories had ended just before he went to Miami, when he lived in the Hollywood Roosevelt with the writer. I heard about it when he called me from the LA airport, about to flee to Florida. But it was already behind him. He'd started a fresh page.

  "Why Florida?" I asked him.

  "The Pacific is too cold to swim in," he said. "The surf is too rough." And he wasn't sorry about the experience, because he had asked all the questions about television that he had been saving up.

  So it is all something of a story. I have decided it is none of my business. To think your life is a story may be just the right illusion. What was more important was this: in all this talk of leaving Boston and coming back, he made no mention of me. He was talking fast, as if I might not notice. I noticed.

  As soon as he walked off the plane in Boston, he said, he knew he had misinformed himself. The first bite of the wind brought back every sullen winter day he'd ever spent here. He walked through slush to a taxi stand, his bare toes frozen to his sandals. He had figured to stay at the Y and not make contact with anyone he knew for several days, not until he had a job and an apartment, neither of which he was going to be fussy about. But the weather rooted in his guts so fast that he decided he had to have a drink. He gave the driver the name of a gay bar on the west end of Beacon Hill. "Having a drink" was one way of putting it, but he really wanted what he always wanted when it snowed. He didn't care if anyone recognized him or not. And then, when several people did, wondering where he had been all this time, he cared too much. He had been wrong, he saw, to think his five years away had been a lifetime. They barely noticed he had been missing, and they knew he'd come back. It was just a half hour, but already he felt like he'd never been gone. Then he went home with a man who had a tattoo of Santa Claus on his right forearm.